One time I was marveling at a particularly not good batch. They didn't taste like poison per se, like something that should never be consumed. But it does sort of make you question it. I was bemoaning them but sort of in an analytical way, like, what are these muffins? It's sustenance, like I know what's in them and you can live off of that, but sooo bad. "Disgusting" was my word. Then Sean came up with an even better one: Disgustenance: Food, but at what cost? Which delighted me. Whenever you make something gross that will, however, keep you alive, use this word.
I immediately made new muffins after that that were so sweet I could not partake but they were excellent. Guess that's why people should follow recipes or something.
WELL. This morning I found this weirdo muffin recipe on my bag of wheat bran and it was like "2 cups of bran, 2 cups of wheat flour, 3 tsps of gross, 0 cups of something good, half of what you should put in it, etc." So I made some alterations but in a flippant, non-measurey kind of way, as I do, and which strangely makes it turn out weird! I know. But here's what happened:
1. Called for wheat flour. Since i was already adding wheat bran i was like, do i want to make everybody cry? Goodness. So i opted for white flour instead.
2. But, as i pretty much always do with any recipe using flour, i substitute some of it for almond meal which I love but is NOT an equal flour replacement so I'm always guessing there.
3. Replaced the called-for raisins with cranberries because, again, it's Christmas. And then I was like, oooh, cinnamon! And just sprinkled some in the batter because I'm pretty good at eyeballing individual granules.
4. Read that there was NO SALT and added some, post haste. Why do people think that's EVER a good idea? If you make muffins or a sweet treat with no salt then you might as well pull it out of the oven right into your trash can. What a waste. Kind of makes me mad. I mean, how dare you?
5. When it was time to mix the bowl of wet stuff, i pulled it all out on the counter near the fridge. Exhausted from walking back and forth to the ingredients area to my work area, I tried to carry it all in one haul. I had had an epiphany when i got to the milk portion and thought, don't you mean Christmas milk?? which, of course, is milk + eggnog. So i grabbed that. In my excitement about this idea, i enthusiastically snatched an egg out of the carton only to have it fly through the air and splat on the floor. It was strangely satisfying to witness, but not so much to clean. I wasn't sure about the eggnog because it's something good, but should it necessarily be baked into something? I wasn't sure.
6. As I was substituting the nog, instead of measuring I just poured it in because, again, I'm really good at eyeballing*. I tell myself, ah, i'll just add more milk in the end if it's dry.
*not really true. I just think you can't take risks like that with baking, yet I always. do.
7. Instead of molasses (eww) like the recipe called for, chose brown sugar instead. But who knows if the measurements were the same? What did other muffin recipes call for in terms of the sugar? I remembered nothing. But I used the same amount. And then at the very end when i was mixing it all up, I thought back to the disgustenance muffins and thought, juuuuust a bit more sugar. so I tossed in some more blobs of brown sugar, well after things should be all blended.
8. It was pretty sticky when i was done and felt too lazy to add more milk, so i just went with it and filled the cups. I also sort of forgot about my vow to add more milk.
9. I also set the timer for 7 minutes shorter than it called for because who in the hey knew?
When the timer went off, they were ready. And so good! What the? The craisins were chewy, the muffin was dense with goodness (but not TOO good), you could taste the nog in a non-gross way, and those blobs of brown sugar? Oh MAN, there were little melted pockets of them all throughout the muffins. So good! Do this with all of your muffins! ALL of them! I think I just invented something amazing.