Friday, October 14, 2011

Cookies a la )en

Why make the boring old recipe on the back of the chocolate chips when you can make cookies Jen style!

Basically:

  • Take out 4 sticks of butter
  • Put two in the microwave to soften a bit. Since it's an ancient microwave and uses a dial, swear to yourself you'll stick around and make sure it's only a few seconds.
  • Whereupon, immediately get distracted by something and forget about the butter.
  • When the microwave *dings!* cuss and check it out.
  • Feel super soft, soggy, and melty hot butters. Reach up above the fridge and decide the worse stick is ok to take out above your head and examine.
  • Immediately drip melted butter on your pants and in a fit to avoid making a huge mess, fling the half-melted stick of butter into the sink, splattering a trail of butter on the floor, and splashing hot butter in and out and around the sink.
  • Think, ah, that won't happen again with the 2nd stick. I'll be more careful.
  • Do the exact same thing with the 2nd stick.
  • After they've sat in the sink for a while, throw the two sticks in the trash.
  • Get your remaining two sticks of butter. This time chain yourself to the fridge so you won't walk away and forget.
  • Proceed to make the cookies normally.
  • When you get to the part of the eggs, keep your mixer on. 
  • Crack the first egg and drop it into the bowl cleanly, with zero shells.
  • Then as you put the two shell halves together to throw in the trash, fumble with them in your slippery slimy fingers and promptly drop them directly into the currently-mixing mixing bowl. 
  • Bellow in horror and turn off the mixer as fast as you can.
  • Survey the scene. Laugh at the scene.  Spend several minutes trying to take out each and every shell bit that was pulverized into the cookie dough.  Make it into a game.  5 points for every found shell bit!  Award self 5,000 points.
  • Proceed as instructed.
  • When you're adding the chocolate chips, notice some mini-marshmallows sitting on the counter.
  • Grab a handful and toss 'em in.
  • Bake cookies as instructed.
  • When they are done, notice several cookies have some shell bits. Dig them out.
  • Take these boring chocolate chip cookies and rename them, "Jen's Halloween Cookies of Mystery"
  • Explain to people that when they see white in their cookie, it might be eggshell, but it also might be marshmallow!  Which one will it be? Trick or treat?
*cue scary music*

9 comments:

Joel said...

"Eggshells present healthy, balanced calcium due to trace amounts of other minerals contained in it. Eggshell calcium is probably the best natural source of calcium, and it is easier for your body to digest and absorb."

Brooke said...

Sounds like my baking style...

Stephanie said...

I had ice cream falling from the freezer flashbacks while reading this. Could I put this one down as a moment from Jen's life that I get to see in the afterlife?

Valerie said...

Listen, as the only other owner of said ancient dial microwave in the world, I'll consider this my own personal recipe, from you to me.

)en said...

Ha, only you will be able to make them just so. (that could be taken as an insult)

Yeah, I swear, with me it's either go big or go home. One catastrophe sets off a slew of many more. But, indeed, like the ice cream incident, it is so very amusing and for the betterment of humankind.

Also, very good to know about eggshells, joel. I think i said something similar with an added, "If it's good for soil, it's gotta be good for us!"

Amberbop said...

I LIKE eggshells in cookies. ;)

Natalie R. said...

Ha ha, I bet cooking with you is a blast!

Madison Ellingson said...

haha oh Jen I miss you!! Thank you for this and your humor! It brings a smile to my face every time!

)en said...

Yay 😊