Hope Among Elves

Operation JINGLE (Jen Is Not a Greedy Little Elf) has been an interesting experience. When i first set out, I had high hopes for myself. I'll donate all my money and it'll be so great! It's easy to feel like you do enough good in the world when you aren't faced with needy people on a daily basis or faced with their hands asking for a donation. And when you are faced with that daily, it's equally easy to rationalize why i ought not to donate sometimes because hey, i paid a dollar to a guy a few days ago. What if this guy buys drugs with it? And I tell myself this until i haven't donated for weeks, and months. And again, remember, this when faced with needy people quite literally, feet apart. To look at them in the eyes and say no. When i feel myself getting like that, i am frustrated and ashamed by my own lack of charity and then I feel helpless, not just against the needs of the world, but my lackluster efforts which never seem to be enough. I wanted to do this experiment to show that I am a charitable person, that Christmas means more to me than buying presents. While I don't think I've proven myself to be the most unselfish elf, I have decided that this has been an extremely positive experience for me and here is why:

1) I have learned that I have much more to give. If this experience had taught me that I had given the most I had or had done the very best I could, I think I would have been fooling myself and the experiment would have thus been deemed a failure.

2) I trained myself to listen for the bell when, another time, I might have tried to ignore it. I'd have felt a slight pang of guilt as I passed by but the rationalizing would kick in and I'd do pretty well with that. Since I had made the decision beforehand to donate to all buckets I passed by, I didn't have to be faced with those moments of [brief] inner turmoil as I was out and about. Maybe this only eliminates my guilt which doesn't seem a too noble of thing. But I truly felt glad to donate to the buckets even though my efforts left much to be desired. Something is better than nothing and I have high hopes for myself in that respect. I think i will be much more likely to donate in years to come, having made it a habit, to where I won't even give it a second thought which is how i think it ought to be.

3) New York is a decidedly materialistic town. You feel the pressure to have, to buy, to get, at every turn. Your heart is fooled into thinking you'd really like to own those things and that spending that absurd amount of money on them isn't such a crazy or bad thing after all. That said, New York is wonderfully fun during Christmas. It is, and that is a good thing. But, now, one could see these two things colliding to make a colossally superficial swamp of a holiday. Just another reason to buy, buy, buy.

But then one pivotal day I was doing the dishes and while I did that I turned on some Bing Crosby Christmas and included in Bing Crosby's Christmas is a little song called Silver Bells. Up until now, this song hasn't meant much to me. I remember reading on another blog how Christmas songs seemed old fashioned and didn't have much application to life these days and that seemed to ring (heh) true with this particular song. Silver bells? What silver bells. I mean, i know bells are a Christmas and Christian symbol. Ring out wild bells, etc. But what is this one, specifically? As I washed the dishes I heard some very pivotal phrases that will always resound with meaning for me, now and forevermore. Here they are:

City sidewalks, busy sidewalks
Dressed in holiday style
In the air there's a feeling like Christmas
Children laughing, people passing
Meeting smile after smile
And on every street corner you hear

Silver bells, silver bells
It's Christmas time in the city

Here's another bit:

Strings of street lights
Even stop lights
Blink a bright red and green
As the shoppers rush home with their treasures
Hear the snow crunch
See the kids bunch
This is Santa's big scene
And above all the bustle you hear

Silver bells, silver bells
It's Christmas time in the city

I had an epiphanous moment. This song must be about the bell ringers in the city! What a wonderful song this now is! It applies directly to my life. Now, the other lyrics may seem unimportant and frivolous. Generic words about buying things and the hustle and bustle. But this describes New York City perfectly. This is exactly how it is, and it's so true-- above all the bustle you do hear silver bells. They are on every street corner. I have seen this with my own eyes and heard it many times. I laugh at what this song now does for me. It brings giving, and my whole purpose and hope for this experiment, to this city in which i live, this town where one can so easily succumb to greed and want. It has become my newest defense against my inner greedy elf.

Every Christmastime, it will always ring in my ears and my heart a reminder, that as I participate in festivities and fun, I always have something to give, and I should give, and because of this experiment, I will. Ring-a-ling, everyone. Ring-a-ling.

Christmas Experiment

You know what? I am totally in the Christmas spirit. And it's November 7th. How did this come to be? Do i just love Christmas? yes, i do. But is that the only reason?

Every year it seems like shops and stores start pulling out the Christmas decor earlier and earlier and people gripe about it, saying Halloween is barely over, what the hey. There seems to be some unwritten rule that the Christmas celebration can't begin until Dec. 1st. I am one who really dislikes the uber-commercialism of Christmas and how kids are getting more and more spoiled. It makes me have small internal freak-out moments where i just want to pack up, move to the woods, and give my kids oranges and wooden trains for Christmas. Yet at the same time, Christmas in NY is really magical and the stores decorate so beautifully and, ok, I really love giving people things so I guess in a small hypocritical way, i, too, get swept up in it all.

And now that I realize that i'm feeling Christmasy before the shops have really started decorating, I wonder: does this mean i've beaten the commercialism? or have I let it totally grab hold of ME. So much so that this year, I want to begin before it really has, technically. But see, ok, yes, I want to go Christmas shopping and buy everything I see, but I also want to sing the Christmas songs and make some Christmas cookies, donate some clothes, and go get a tree. That's not bad, right? I think i talked about giving in there somewhere. That's a good thing. I haven't completely been sucked in the commercial aspect of it, have I? have I??

Ok, I just got an idea.

GOAL: i vow to you this day, that for every salvation army bell-ringer and bucket that i pass this holiday season, i will donate some money. Every single one. And i will document how i feel about it, if it alters my Christmas shopping habits or makes any difference at all. We will call this Operation: Jen is not a greedy little elf, or Operation: JINGLE. And we shall see. Oh yes. We shall see.

(should i keep track of how much i donate? or does that totally defeat the purpose. Should i give a certain amount every time? what are the parameters here? maybe i should set some. thoughts?)

25 Days of Jen

T'is the Season!!!

For blogging, because I can't think of anything Christmassyer (< -- good luck)
In hopes of spreading some Christmas cheer, or just providing something to read every day, I begin a new project by blogging every day for the month of December. (Up until the 25th of course, because the rest of the month doesn't matter.) (Unless your birthday is this day, that is. Then it's one of the most important of the Gregorian calendar)

Also, I'd like to try an experiment--because I'm always one for an experiment--and try to jog my mental faculties regarding written expression.  Basically I will be giving my brains a good shake, and like a snow globe, see what falls from the heavens.  It could be sparkly, it could be glittery.  It could swirl around in nonsensical patterns.  We'll see, won't we.

A blog post for every day!   Could be related to Christmas.  Could be not.  What's going to happen?? I'm excited, aren't you?




p.s. happy birthday to this champ, who has one of the best birthdays ever-- birthday to kick off the holiday season.  3 cheers for Ash-bomb!

Operation J.I.N.G.L.E. is Underway

Ok everyone, Operation JINGLE is underway. On Saturday Sean and I went out to run a million & one errands and the Salvation Army bell ringers were out in full force.

Operation JINGLE stands for Jen Is Not a Greedy Little Elf. To read more about this experiment, click here. Basically, I want to make sure I have the right attitude about Christmas, that it means more to me than just buying stuff and getting all materialistc, etc etc. So I've promised that I will donate money to every Salvation Army bucket I pass. Here is my experience thus far.


The day: Saturday
Location: Target in B-town and then Manhattan.

I live close to a Target that is part of a larger shopping center of sorts. Kind of a mall but not as many stores. Total for the day, we passed six SA bell ringers. 3 in the Target and 3 elseplace.

To be honest, I'm not sure how well it's going. I I noticed things that were a little below what I would expect someone who is not a greedy little elf to be. But, it's still the beginning of the experiment. I have room to grow. Here are my notes:

1. 5th avenue: I love that on the back of the jackets the bell ringers wear, it says in huge letters "BELL RINGER." I'd love to get a picture but I don't think I can amidst all of this hubub. Also, important to remember: if you pause on the sidewalk to take a picture, people will hiss and curse at you.

2. First indication that my experiment isn't going as well as I'd hoped: I am only donating coins and while i love avoiding any guilt that would normally come from trying to ignore a bell ringer as i scurry by, seeing dollar bills inside the bucket kind of brings back a little twinge of guilt. Maybe I'm not the greediest, but I'm greedier than those people. Something to consider.

3. Second indication, and also something to think about: As i came up out of the subway, I passed a homeless person and suddenly realized: I'm donating to all the Salvation Army bell ringers but walk right by homeless people sitting on the ground, holding out their hands for money. I reflect: is it easier to donate to a bucket than a person? why? am I still affected by my rejection that one time?.

4. Amusing observation: I realize I am starting to become conditioned by the sound of the bell. After passing by 3 or 4 SA bell ringers, and not wanting to miss any, I am hyper-sensitive to the bell sound. ANY bell sound, as it turns out. The pedi-cabs also have a bell of some kind and I find myself immediately reacting to it. I am almost literally a Pavlov dog but instead of salivating, I instinctively reach into my bag to get my wallet. This happens several times throughout the day and though I laugh, it could be a problem.

As i reflect back, overall, my experience was very pleasant. People were very grateful and i felt better by their thanks than by donating my lame 35 cents or whatever it was. It's probably a rough job. I got a "thank you and God bless!" and "thank you! happy holidays!" and i got a mint from another one. Sweet! Wait, no, crap! I am not doing this for a reward. I am not. I took the mint because I wanted to show that I am grateful for their gratefulness and will accept the Mint of Gratitude.

Now, pondering the previous paragraph and prodded by my record-taking of the ringers' reactions, I wonder if I'm more motivated by the thanks I get or by the feeling of donating something to a good cause, regardless of what people say to me. Would it bother me if they said nothing? If i got no thanks? Am I now wishing I'd donated tic tacs instead of coins? Friends, I'd appreciate your input. I have decided that Operation JINGLE is off to a mediocre start and will keep you abreast of my progress, if there be any.

Snowy Cold

It snowed yesterday, surprisingly.  No one really saw it coming.  I was having a lazy morning in bed and happened to glance out the window and was like, WHAT IN THE HEY?  It was like in A Christmas Story, when Ralphie wakes up Christmas morn to a snow-covered world.  Inches deep and coating every single branch and twig and surface in the land.  Quiet and still.  Magical! I tried so hard to be mad but gosh dang if that wasn't the prettiest snow ever.  My friend (the same one who has caroling dreams) and I have made vows to each other to meet in the street to do a hate dance at the first snow but I couldn't bring myself to do it this time.   The dance, in my head, consists of cursing at the sky and violently throwing snowballs at the snow on the ground (in case you're curious). 

I'm still in a little bit of denial about winter. More than usual, i mean.  I've resigned to its coming but for some reason I really don't believe it's here.  I'm like, what? Wear gloves? No, what for? Save those for the REAL cold. Even though I have the world's lamest hands that lose all circulation if temperatures drop below 70.   I just don't think it's coming, I don't know why. {shoulder shrug}

By the way, I just did a google image search of "lame hands" just for fun and this was the first image to pop up:

These are not my hands. My lame hands look more like this: 

But it's been cold enough lately.  Cold enough = 30's.  Anything lower than that probably falls under the category of  "stupid cold."  This + my lame hands means I should be well into the habit of wearing gloves.  I have some compression gloves I keep with me at all times but they're not winter gloves.  Anyway, this is getting boring.  My point is, we were in SLC Saturday and learned the Christkindlmarkt was happening. This is a German Christmas market (you would not have been able to figure this out on your own) that I've always wanted to visit and I was like hey, let's go check it out.  The problem was that Sean, the silly, didn't bring his coat. He was doing a little experiment, trying out the "suburban winter" way, where you don't really have to wear a coat, even in winter, because you just go from house to car in garage, to store or whatever location, back to car, back to house.  And he was right. Except he did not plan for spontaneous kindl markets and extended time outside.  He was wearing a sweater but that's it. On the bright side, I apparently keep spare gloves in the car year round so i had some mittens of mine he could wear and also some Julian-sized gloves for the kid.  It pays to never put things away for the spring.

He gladly accepted the mitts and as we walked from the parking lot up the frozen hill to the adorable market, he said the funniest thing and I had to hurry and record it on my phone. It went like this:

SEAN (making punching motions in the air at nothing): I just learned wearing just mittens makes me want to box.

JEN: Oh yeah? Just mittens though.

SEAN: Just mittens, with no coat on.  And not gloves.  If I had gloves on, I'd want to do a Darth Vader choke hold.

JEN: Ha ha ha

SEAN: I respond to costumes.  This is why I shouldn't wear a mask.

Hahahahaha it makes me laugh even now.    It all happened so fast, I barely had time to keep up because it just kept getting better and better.  Quality Sean quote right there and a funny thing to spot in oneself.  "I respond to costumes."  Also it makes me want to put random costumes on him, like my butterfly costume or Julian's dragon costume. 

Anyway, to summarize, it's snowy today and pretty cold and don't forget your gloves (or boxing mittens).

The Creativity

I have to say, I love 25 Days of )en.   It is one of my favorite Christmas traditions. It keeps the gears of my mind oiled, it gives me the sense of constant movement and progression, which I need in my life. I saw a friend the other day whom I haven't seen in a while and she asked if I got my hair cut. I told her, always.  One of the things I love about having short hair (it is dumb to be talking about my hair, I realize. But it's still a "thing," for women, you know?) is that feeling I get of constantly being in flux. I never know what I want my stylist to do when I get it cut because I never remember how exactly it was when I liked it because that phase lasted about three days. I should probably be taking more selfies (a philosophy that is certainly always true) and when I learn how to do my hair I have to stop and change the way I do it because it's different now. I like that. It's frustrating but I still like it. It forces me to re-think and adapt and again, gives me the sense of change and fluctuation, that life is moving forward and I am aboard that train.  And that's enough about my hair (in this post, anyway).  

That said, every year I am terrified to do 25 Days of )en.  Especially if I've been a little stagnant and haven't been posting often. I'm afraid I've lost my words, once and for all, and to force myself to find at least some of them for every day for almost a month is daunting to me. I'm scared I can't do it. But then I do.  In some type, in some form, of some caliber, anyway.  It just feels good to me that every 5th day or so I can choose to start digging and actually find something. On this subject, and the subject of creativity, I recently asked a question to a couple of my friends.  Here is the question, followed by their responses:

Would you mind thinking about creativity in terms of yourself? What it does for you, what type do you love best, how you exhibit it, etc?

My friend required a response to my own question first so I obliged by saying,

"I get an enormous amount of satisfaction when I put thoughts and ideas into physical form. Like the shaping and molding of clay (purely as metaphor as I cannot sculpt).  You know, the feeling of, where there was nothing, now there is something.  I LOVE that, and nothing makes me feel more fulfilled or productive in my day.  It can really be anything, but I often get this feeling from writing.  I feel like I dug into myself and unexpectedly found treasure.  Not that it's all diamonds, mind. But haven't you ever dug unwittingly and at least found like a cool rock? And you were like, that was there the whole time!"*

* it is weird to quote myself in my own blog. I once listened to a man giving a talk who said, "to quote myself..." and I was like {huge grin emoji}

My friend said, "any time I can create (put a piece of me into something) I feel enlightened! Whether it's teaching something--reading, writing, songs, etc, altering a recipe, designing a card. I think creativity is putting a piece of you in the world. And the world and you become one for just a split moment and together you sigh in the beauty you've created." 

I asked another friend this same question and she responded responded with,

"I feel like for me it's an outlet where I can put all my thoughts and ideas into something real. All the things in my head can be expressed.  Also it helps me to be me. Not just a "stay at home mom."  It's like my version of being a working mom.  I like when my creativity can be shown in something physical- like a quilt, a well thought-out gift basket, artwork, graphic art or some type of DIY project/craft. Anything visual!"

I attended a class where a portion of it was devoted to the creative process.  The woman lecturing asked the audience when they felt creative.  People gave some answers. She then asked, "what do you think about when you have nothing to think about?"  And I rubbed my hands together and said, now that's my kind of question! 

I think her point was to bring up the idea that there isn't enough in-between time for people and that maybe that's where true inspiration lies. That we don't give ourselves enough of a chance to let our minds wander.  I could not even list all the things I think about when I have nothing to think about.  But I loved thinking about this question. 

I recently listened to a podcast with John Irving, novelist, who had spoken for some event and it was recorded in the Academy of Achievements (podcast is called What it Takes).  He talked about the writing process for himself and at one point he likened it to wrestling. Wrestling is a series of moves that you do over and over and over again until they become second nature. You maybe adjust your reaction time or whatever but in relation, writing to him is more revision and repetition, less inspiration.  You get better the more you do it. I like this and believe it to be true but I'm also a believer in the inspiration of a moment, sort of as experiment. I like sitting down and seeing what will happen, if anything. I definitely go back to things I've written (and again and again) but I love the thrill of what if I sat down here for a moment and something happened, new and interesting? It's rare, but what if?

Mr. Irving referred to himself not as an artist, but a craftsman, and that in writing his novels, he was building a house.  But what if it was a house with a particularly inspired foundation? Anyway, I'm rambling but my point is: to create is to live, to live is to create. I bet that's a famous quote from somewhere.  Thanks for reading, Internet pals, and Merry Christmas Eve.

Jen's Nog

Alright, this post isn't actually about eggnog.  I just reeeally wanted to use this title.  (for obvious reasons, and if it's not obvious, who are you? why are we even friends?? Do you not know me at all??) and let's face it, I don't have much else to say about eggnog, other than all this week I've been giving Julian "Christmas milk" every morning with breakfast, which sounds totally sketchy.  Or delicious.  You decide. 

No, actually it's about hot chocolate and how I've experienced an evolution.  I grew up my whole young life drinking hot chocolate mixes.  Want some hot chocolate? Sure, let's bust open the mix.  Swiss Miss, Nestle something or other, then Stephen's "Gourmet." And then later, Ghirardelli, or this and that brand, etc.   And then came that fateful day when I had the first best hot chocolate, perhaps the first proper hot chocolate i've ever had, and you can read about it here or you can just keep reading.  Basically it was at our favorite across-the-street restaurant, a little french bistro and they gave me unsweetened hot chocolate made with cream and valrhona chocolate.  For those of you who don't know, valrhona is exceptional chocolate.  I read a book about how to be a Chocolatier and this was included in a list of mostly unrecognized kinds of chocolate.  I highly recommend you get your hands on some, but save up first.

Anyway, in short, it changed my life.  It told me a story of a hot chocolate i never knew i'd been searching for all of my life.  And it came to a happy and most enlightening ever after.   Since then, Sean and I have abandoned the hot chocolate mixes and if we feel in the mood, make it ourselves.  I know, what?!  And it's so, so, SO much better.  So much better that I included 3 so's.   It's gigantic leaps and bounds better.  And i can add more chocolate to make it darker and less sweet. I have complete control over my chocolate percentage and sugar content.  For the first time, I feel like a real chemist, and it feels so good.  I even have some valrhona baking chocolate i can use but i prefer to ration that for the baking.  But we just melt bars.  It's wonderful, truly.  Try it.  Throw out your mixes.  Experiment with your chocolate bars and whatever milk that's in your fridge.  Say goodbye to water in your hot chocolate forever and ever.  Stir it all on the stove.  Measure and balance it as you wish.  It's empowering, liberating, and I'll never go back. No, not ever.