Tuesday, February 23, 2010

EMERGENCY! i hate winter.

warning: stream of blog consciousness.

People, it's February. How long has it been February? Approximately 350,000 millennia. I don't remember January. I don't remember warm. I don't remember what this post was going to be about. Oh wait, yes.

My point is this: Winter is the longest, stupidest, soul-suckingest time of the year. It can really be detrimental to the functioning and well-being of my brains. Do they have serotonin pills? My baby child has this tiny sun toy that crinkles. Sometimes i play with it and whisper pitifully, "shine on me, sun... shine on me..." as I shrink and crumble to the floor and lie with my head on the giant pillow we're sharing, face-to-face with baby, noses touching, until he licks my face and brings me back to life. I think there is serotonin in baby licks.

What can we do about this? I need your help. I have a suspicion there may be others in the same boat. We need to help each other. But how? I feel like I need to form a connection to the outside world, namely, with other humans. At this point I'd probably settle with talking to a robot but I guess something alive would be better. I'd talk to my amaryllis but it died, finally.

So how to establish this? What do we talk about? Something that immediately comes to mind, regarding bonding, is girls camp. Or just a group of girls. It appears that generally, when females congregate and one begins "opening up," others do too. Either they are naturally like this, or some feel pressure to open up, to reciprocate so others feel ok about what they just revealed. I have found myself in that kind of situation often. I'm not one to really pour out my heart and soul to the next passing stranger, (I like to be mysterious) but sometimes in certain situations I've felt maybe a bit of pressure or like I ought to participate in kind, so I do. Occasionally the sentiment or experience i share is real, and the shared moment is nice and you're like, ok that's cool. But often I find myself just making something up--haha, or kind of, what's the word... sharing a story and then embellishing it a bit until i'm like, what the hey did i just say? That's not even true. It's not like a LIE and it's really insignificant, but it doesn't exactly 100% reflect my true feelings. I'm just talking just to talk, know what i mean?

Aaaanyway, if you got through that paragraph, A+. So here is what I suggest.

CONFESSIONS. Ha ha ha. I don't know why. I think the rickets setting in is making me crazy in the head. But is there something funny/embarrassing/painfully heavy on your conscience that you JUST HAVE TO GET OFF YOUR CHEST? Whoa, I all-capped way too many words there. It should have only just been the last 3, or maybe even just "chest," or "have." Or maybe just italicized? When in doubt, italicize, as i always say.

So let's have it. Please? I am CERTAIN the resulting bond will make us BBFFs (blog best friends forever) with each other forever. Wait that's redundant. forever forever. Well it just emphasizes my point. And this shared bond will help us feel close to other humans and we won't completely lose all social skills from being hermits & trolls due to stupid stupid stupid winter. Oh, and i invite people of all genders.

Ok let me think, and i promise i won't make anything up, just for bonding's sake.

CONFESSION: i once stole a saltwater taffy from the big bin at Smith's grocery. It was purple, and i ate it on my bike later that day, and it was delicious. I mean, i thought it was like "here have a free sample." That bin was so big and open and accessible. They should really be more careful.

CONFESSION: As I type, I am halfway to rapidly eating an entire container of almonds. Think about that. Almonds aren't very easy to eat. I'm out of control.

CONFESSION: I have phonaphobia and totally respond to people's calls by emailing them.

CONFESSION: One time i bumped a parked car and drove off. *shameful face* I looked to see if there was any damage and i couldn't see any. What was i supposed to do? i was late for the olympics. (<-- true. but, no expansion.)

CONFESSION: When I was small, like around 7 or so, my mother was baking bread. The details are sketchy but all i know is some of the dough scraps, perhaps rolled into a ball, got thrown into the trash. I think i was eating some of it beforehand and then it got thrown away accidentally? I'm not sure. Either way, I reached in the trash, pulled out the dough ball, and continued eating it. Then when my brother asked if i'd just gotten it out of the trash, I lied and said "no..." Lying is bad, i understand. But what's the greater crime here? Lying, eating food out of the trash, or eating dough??? You tell me. All three are reprehensible. Anyway, WHEW. I feel so much better.

Ok, i guess i've divulged enough for now. You HAVE to comment. I need this, don't you understand? You have my awesomely hilarious blog posts (or in this case, scary and disturbing--Sean said after reading this: "i feel dirty") to keep you entertained for days and days, but it's not the same for me (it almost is). I wrote it! It doesn't last as long. (almost as long)


Joel said...

In 9th grade biology, I was dissecting a shark as an after-school project (frankly, the most awesome project ever). We had to find and identify certain body parts to get credit, and one girl was distraught that she couldn't find this vein on her shark. So I took a tiny piece of vein from another part of the body and stuck it where it was supposed to go on her shark, thus fooling the teacher and getting her credit.

You know what they say: The way to a girl's heart is through the hepatic vein...

Amber Alvarez said...

CONFESSION: When I was in college my horrid, HORRID roommate had an ex-con boyfriend come to stay with us when he got out of prison.

I'm skipping a lot of back story but for example the guy was so creepy that if you turned the shower on without making sure he wasn't already in there...you'd pull back the curtain once the water got hot and find him sitting in there with all his clothes on. Among other things, he would listen to hours and hours of 'Skinny Puppy'. He would do rubbings of tombstones and hang them in our windows. It was bad.

I found out through a shady guy in my life drawing studio that the ex-con boyfriend had been going to weird creepster sex parties twice a week in the basement of one of the halls.

When things got worse in our Three-Is-Company life I wrote a note to my roommate telling her that she'd missed a call from ex-con (lie) and that she should meet him at this grrrreat party... Subsequently they broke up, he moved out and I got to shower in peace again.

I have never told anyone this. Now it's online though...so I hope you're happy Jen Morello! I hope you're happy.

Amber Alvarez said...

P.S. Joel's confession made me giddy with glee despite the fact that we are strangers and that my hair is still wet from the 20 degree rain we've got a goin' on, so maybe you're on to something.

Joel said...

Yep, biology lab is the place for romance. Unless you have access to a basement, of course...

Stephanie said...

I was about 14 and went to Lagoon. My friend and I were spitting off the skyride...not trying to hit people...just having a good time seeing spit hit the ground.

When we got to the end, there was some dude who confronted us asking if we had been spitting. I full on lied to his face and he had this confused look on his face like, "I swear it was the people in this car." He went and talked with people in the car behind us while I quickly exited the ride.

Alanna said...

*I have an unhealthy addiction to postsecret.com. I keep reading it, and then feeling icky about the whole human race and vowing not to read it ever again. But a few weeks later I usually find myself reading it. And feeling icky. Again.

*I recently realized that I assume that God agrees with all of my political opinions. So when people disagree with me, I feel like God is on my side and they clearly don't understand things very well. I'm just beginning to worry that there is a flaw to this logic...

*The other night, I dreamed that I had cheated on my spouse. In my dream, I couldn't decide if it was better to confess and repent, or just hide it and go to hell, but at least spare Craig's feelings. I woke up feeling horrible.

*I feel about winter pretty much the same way you do. I feel like I have been slowly freezing off every major organ or something. Yesterday some friends were complaining about hot and humid it gets here in the summer and I nearly started drooling I'm so excited for summer to come. These friends are apparently crazy.

*I think I might like being pregnant even more than I like mothering my kids. This worries me. I tried to convince Craig that I should be a surrogate mom since I'm so good at being pregnant, but he told me I was crazy. He's probably right about that one. I doubt I could give up a baby anyway, so it's all for the best.

Rob said...

My solution for crappy winters: I am moving to Arizona.

I believe your Father has a Ph. D. in Psychology. You may want to give him a call. Or email in your case.

Confession: I voted for Obama (shameful face). I live in New York, where McCain had no chance, and I just wanted to vote for a winner. Plus, Palin has no business whatsoever being vice president. For real, she didn't even finish her term as Governor.

Confession: The previous confession is a lie, I actually voted for McCain, but all of the above thoughts did, in fact, occur.

Rob said...

P.S. Joel's confession is highly suspect. That's like an interview question where they say, "What's your greatest weakness?" And you give one of those, weakness that's actually a strength answers like, "I'm a work-aholic," or "I just care about other people TOO much."

Joel said...

Okay, fine. Once on my mission, my companion and I were cooking breakfast in the oven. When we pulled out the pan, we saw that a cockroach had fallen on the top of the food. We pulled it off and gave that batch to the other elders we shared the apartment with.

Natalie R. said...

-I generally hate summer and I don't mind winter, though I love spring and I really love fall.

-I wasn't always a very nice little kid (but I usually was, which should count for something, right?). One time, my two best friends and I got another kid stuck in a bunch of sticker bushes and didn't help her get out. I feel horrible now.

-My favorite day of the week is Thursday because that's when my favorite columnist's new articles appear and because that's when Fringe is usually on. Every other day is pretty much the same.

I'm sure I have more to confess, but that's all that's coming to me for now. :0) BTW, I totally agree about the whole phone thing - isn't the point of email so you don't have to make calls anymore???

Andrew said...

Alanna. I was about to make a reference to Addie in As I Lay Dying, and then I remembered that, never mind.


Confession: I used to date this girl so I could have somewhere to put my tombstone rubbings, and a shower to sleep in.

Amber Alvarez said...


Rachel said...

I really like this post. Amen to phones/email.

I've driven off after rear-ending a car.

I've driven off after a shopping cart I parked hit a car.

I've drive off after hitting my neighbor's dog with a car.

(That last one isn't true, but I thought the rhythm I had going required another car incident.)

)en said...

5.5 years later and I am re-reading this and loving it so much. Those were some good times, when people commented on my blog. :D But still, quality quality comments. I'll return to this every winter from now on and henceforth.