Sunday, February 28, 2016

Homeless Fantasy*

*Before reading, allow me to apologize for my lack of homelessness sensitivity.  This is completely appalling, this conversation that took place, so judge me harshly if you wish. I deserve it.


Sean and I were sitting in the office doing equally important and complicated work. His was business-related while I was trying to one-and-a-half a soup recipe.   He has two monitors where the mouse moves from one to the other (this is probably very normal but totally wacky to me) because he doesn't have enough room in just one.  It was in this setting that the following conversation occurred:

JEN: What's half of one and a half, 3/4?

SEAN: Errr... yes.

[3 seconds pass]

JEN: So what's one and a half plus 3 quarters.  Two and a quarter?

SEAN: UHH... yep. [laughs]

JEN: Don't laugh at my dumb math.

SEAN: I wasn't, I was just... I had to switch gears so fast. The first time I did it I was like, ok-- I had to shut everything else down and then when it happened again, my brain almost broke. And fractions are extra hard.

I then apologized and said I'd get out of his hair, but not before this happened:

JEN: So I just took a fork and dug into some cold pot pie and it was DELICIOUS.

SEAN: [making gagging noises]  Sooo gross.

JEN: SO GOOD.  Because it's not much better than heated up food, you know. You can taste the microwave! It definitely has a taste.  Besides, I only do that when I'm stuh-ARVING so it tastes so delicious.   I pretend i'm homeless and hungry and come inside and some person has left a nice cold pot pie in a nice clean Tupperware for me. Mmmm.  That's my homeless fantasy.

SEAN:  Hmm. Mine is sleeping.

JEN: What, like under newspaper? Nice and warm? [referencing a recently watched a sitcom episode where a guy suspected his new girlfriend was homeless and then came into the room to find her napping underneath some sheets of newspaper]

SEAN: No, more like under a park bench. Nestled in some leaves.  Ahhhh.  

JEN: [laughs]

SEAN: Remember that scene in The Fugitive when Harrison Ford is sleeping in the leaves?

JEN: ha ha, yes. He does look nice and cozy but, Sean, he's FREEZING.

SEAN: Yeah, and he's injured and fading and all that... but still...

Ha ha! Ah yeah. That's the good stuff.

So what's yours? Your homeless fantasy, of course.

*Once again, I am sorry. Very very sorry. It is shameful. 

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