Friday, September 16, 2011

Stupid Mother Microchip

Oh man, the title of this post brings so many possibilities.

Something I love about my mom is that when her kids come together to make a "children gift,"  it is inevitable that she cries.  One year someone compiled photos of her kids, as kids, with the phrase "I love you forever, I'll like you for always, as long as i'm living, our mommy you'll be"  (classic, and a favorite of my mom)   One year Sean painted my parents' parents' portrait-- (what the hey?) from old photos and those got some good tears. We weren't present for that one but someone filmed it for us.  He also put together a mosaic of photos I took of a double rainbow at Lake Powell and gave that to her--tears.

And there are many more. It's endearing, and entertaining. I'm pretty sure it's just because she likes her kids, not actually what they're giving her.  I mean, she will cry anticipatory tears, before she even opens the gift.  We could give her a box of hair sandwiches and she might even cry.  I am not poking fun. She just likes us, i think.

I am reminded of this when I cry whenever something triggers the mother microchip I am convinced someone implanted in my brain when I birthed a kid.  That's the only way i can explain it.  Because WHY do i cry when i watch stupid Baby Story on bleeping TLC??   WHY do i cry when there's any depiction, true or fictional, of a child hurting. Not even that-- when there's a possibility of a child hurting.  And of course that would be a sad thing, but tears? really?  And why is it so immediate? I can be happy and right as rain one second and the next--literally--TEARS.  I've turned into this mushy mom mess and I don't like it.  Especially when the trigger is something so idiotic.  Example:

Stupid Titanic was on TV the other night.  Yeah--STUPID.  And it was the end, the best part, and then they all showed the scene when the mom is tucking her oblivious kids into bed, knowing there's no hope for them--insta-lip quiver-- and then afterward when they'd all jumped/fallen into the icy waters, the frozen bodies are floating in the water and we hear the lame digi-music and then they show the woman holding her baby--*sniffle* *quiet sob* Sean walks in the room and i try desperately to shut it off, to deactivate the chip by mentally repeating my anti-cry word: math, math, math, math.  Well, it used to be my word (for it used to invoke insta-anger) but it didn't really work this time and so I just get angry whilst crying because I'm crying, and somehow i hope that pathetically counteracts the stupid tears from watching stupid Titanic.  And Sean just stares.   GRRRR, i hate it.

And then there are babies.

Today I went to pick up a friend's baby (was NOT stealing it) from the hospital (i also consented into taking the baby's parents home as well) and man, this baby has a nice face.  I mean, there are a lot of faces in the world but this one was SO easy on the eyes. I would say Julian category of cuteness. I know, that cute.  Anyway, yep-- teary.  Obviously it was an emotional time but really, Jen? Really?  Let's not make it all about you. I feel like Michael Scott.

Oh, and, a few days ago I was chatting with a friend who is due to birth in a couple of weeks and we were discussing how babies are kind of overrated. Her fetus child then began to do jumping jacks so I reached over and manhandled her belly and INSTANTLY I WAS TEARY I HATE MYSELF.  (sorry for letting my hand linger just a little too long, Friend). But i mean, c'mon. I like babies well enough, sure, but given our topic of conversation you'd have though i could have pulled it together for one belly rub. Nope. I blame the chip.

Can anyone relate? Am i the only one? When do they do it? It must have been when i was sitting up and they gave me the epidural. I couldn't see what was going on back there. Maybe they did it mid-contraction when i was distracted?  Maybe they did it simultaneously--shot in back--AND BRAIN NOW!! [<--i am imagining their thoughts, as if they are pouncing before I know what happened.]  [i have no idea why i put that in brackets and not parentheses.] I am just saying. Next time you go to the hospital to birth a baby and opt for pain-free, maybe you ought to bring a palm-sized mirror or those cool spy-mirror sunglasses just so you're sure what's going on back there. And report back your findings, please.

Now: is there a father microchip? what would trigger that? and when was that implanted?

p.s. so many kid-related posts. I apologize. Will try to shake things up next week.


Joel said...

The father chip is smaller, because they have to make it tiny enough to be absorbed through the skin when you are thumbing through all the hospital bills.

Since it's smaller, it's less powerful. But I also can't stand hearing about a child in danger. It bothers me immensely. And I never even liked children before having my own.

Alanna said...

I cry at fireworks shows now. Fireworks!!! What is that even about?

And, on the plane yesterday, there was a story (in the airplane's magazine, of all places) about a baby girl with brittle bones who wasn't expected to survive birth, let alone her full year of life that she's now accomplished... Even with an entire page missing it was all I could do not to sob.

Stupid chip.

Alanna said...

I also cry at shuttle launches. It was rough when my son was all excited about that so I kept showing him youtube clips. I kept nearly sobbing, and I wasn't even showing him sad ones!

Pedersen Posse said...

I got the chip too. In fact, it just kicked in again earlier today. When I picked up Isaac from preschool, the pastor stopped me. As he began to introduce himself I was bracing myself with my rebuttle... thanks, but I already have a church... when he broadsided me. He said a grandmother had lost a 3-year-old and 2-year-old in the neighborhood. The cops were out looking. Could I please keep my eyes opened? Mother chip turned on. I cried the whole way home as I said a prayer for those poor lost kids and that poor grandmother.

Amber Alvarez said...

I don't have me no babies, but you'd have to be built of stone to not sniffle a bit when the mother is tucking in the bay-bayysssssssssssss for their last sleep. Gets me every time. In other words, I am doomed.

)en said...

So doomed. Prepare yourself.

Loved these comments. A+ comment, Joel. Laughed right out loud @ fireworks. Haha. Totally get rocket launches. They're special events How about the olympics? Anyone?