Wednesday, August 05, 2009

Movie Review: Push

... and so then Dakota Fanning is all, "I'm 13!" and has red streaks in her hair. "Oh, I'm a 'watcher'. I can see the future. You're a 'mover' aren't you. You move things with your mind." And then the guy is like, "no I won't help you. I suck at 'moving.'" But wait, yes i will help you. Ahhh Chinese people---AHHHHH! THey scream and make your brain bleed. "Bleeders." The CHinese family is coming. Fear the Chinese family. (?)

Run run run--where are we? Oh, Hong Kong? Djimon Hounsou works for "division" and the government. Has strapped down the girl from When a Stranger Calls-- injected something in her arm. She's dead--wait! no she's not! Run run run! Chase chase chase!

Get a--wait, what are we looking for? what are we doing? "Sniffers." Bad guys sniffing things. Sniff.. oh, i see where this has been. Sniffing toothbrushes. I will take your toothbrush! We'll always find you because i sniff your toothbrush!

Girl in Hong Kong... "Pusher" forces her thoughts into your head. Makes bad guy kill other bad guy. All the bad people shooting themselves in the mouth. Scary Chinese people are back! Screaming--!!! Some random woman comes from somewhere. She's good--no, bad! No--nonthreatening. Guy & Dakota must find the girl. Why? then--oh, we used to date. Met in Coney Island. Oh, we're to have had a relationship? Oh, we go together in the slightest? Girl is sick. Needs injection. Oh yeah, the suitcase--wait, what? What are we doing? Dakota: "I'm 13!! and I'm going to get drunk. My mother was better at 'watching' than me. Chinese 'watcher' girl is better than me. I have seen our death!" Run run run!

Djimon has found us! Guy is bad at "moving" things, but then gets good. Why are the Chinese after us? Who's bad? Are you bad? Dakota: "we die. We still die. I've seen how we die. Look at my drawings." Wait, what are we--oh yeah, the suitcase? Run run run! Get a guy to hold our head and make us forget things. Can't be "watched." Run run run! "Push" your thoughts into that person, make them kill self. Fight in the bamboo factory! Dakota goes for a walk in Hong Kong. What-- run run run!

Remember, we DID used to date in Coney Island! *
makes guy put gun in his mouth*


and that's exactly what the movie was like.


Martha said...

Unfortunately, I was sucked in to watching this movie. Your description is EXACTLY like watching it. Ugh.

Dom and Katie said...

thank you for that. now i know i should TOTALLY see this movie.

Rob said...

Wow.... I Don't think you'll take offense to this since I think this is what you were going for, but this movie looked like it would be about as annoying as your post was to read.

You know you can write, when you can be entertaining when you try, and annoying when you try. Kudos.

Our Blog said...

AWESOME - now I will know not to watch the movie!!! It should be Ebert & Seanifer

)en said...

yesss... everyone should base their movie decisions on my reviews. I am confident in this.

Ha. aww, thanks Rob. :) I'm telling you, watch the movie and you will thank me for writing such a clear and concise synopsis.

Alanna said...

That was the gist of what I got from the preview-- somehow I was fooled into thinking the long version would be more coherent, but I guess sometimes it just isn't meant to be! Glad I can save myself a dollar at Redbox!