Friday, October 07, 2005


Infiltration! Infestation! Hallucination! Delirium!

I'm making a declaration. It's more out of hopeless desperation than anything, though, since no one who reads this can actually do anything about it. First of all, i feel like my home is being staked out, quietly, subtley. It's a...what's a good military term? Covert Operation. I don't know. I think I might have just made that up. Anyway, what I'm trying to say is that we have BUGS. Gross ones, too. REALLY gross. For instance: the ever-pleasant cockroach. Granted, we don't have really huge ones like other places do, but the ones we get basically look just like this:

We've only had 2 (that we know of) so far. And somehow they're not the most disgusting bugs i can think of, despite their yucky size. I walked in on the first one feasting on a sweetened cornflake I had unfortunately and carelessly dropped to the floor. I stepped on both, and both went into the trash. The other one Sean spotted early yesterday morning, in the wee hours, creeping in the dimly lit kitchen. Go Eagle-Eyes Sean! He smashed it and then used 2 napkins to wipe it up. Eww.

Anything with a hundred legs is just gross. And this bug is by far THE GROSSEST of bugs that have infested our home. The nasty, creepy, yucky, shudder/convulsion-inducing CENTIPEDE. It is quite an appropriate name, for unlikelier reasons than the obvious, such as: Centipede: As in centi-peed my pants. Or, Centipede: As in sent-the-pee... running down my leg. This thing FREAKS me out:

(note: This was much bigger before but i had to resize it because it was seriously scaring me.)

The word you're looking for is: blaaghghahgagaghh. And not only do they look like Evil w/100 feet, they are so bleepin' fast! There's maybe one thing worse than big hairy slimy bugs: Ones that move fast. For instance: a big hairy brown spider in the corner. Yeeeepes! But a half hour later it's still there. And, I can keep my eye on it while i grab something to get it. Example two: a big slug. I'm talking about the big fatty ones. I don't know if what i saw was (has anyone typed 'saw' and 'was' right next to each other? Weird!) this one or what, but here's a pic:

One time, on a hot summer day while mowing the lawn i saw this biiiig streak of slime on the grass. This patch of grass looked like it was matted down with snot. So i looked closer (ha. "So" makes it sound like because it looked like snot, i had to take a closer look. Who doesn't want to investigate things resembling snot?) and saw that it was a giant slug. Ewwwww! Sooo slimy and gross! *time passes* Meanwhile, it's still there, barely moving. Where i was totally grossed out by it a couple minutes ago, now i'm like, booorrriing! Move so i can mow!

Side note: So we all hate spiders, right? Well, I don't mind reeeally teeny tiny spiders. Any bug really small doesn't scare me. In fact, I think they're cute. One time i was doing the dishes and right in front of my face slinked the tiiiniest little black spider! And he was sooo cute! He was just a speck of a round ball. I think he was even smiling at me. And it was adorable. "Ohhhh! Hewwo, liddow guy! You're just a LITTLE man! Oohhh so small! Yes you are!" But then i washed him down the sink because i didn't really want him in front of my face. Here's about how small he was though. Pretend that mass to the right is a finger:

Ok, so back to the creepies. These centi-make-me-pee-ds that we have are so leggy and gross-looking and they move like LIGHTNING. So not only am I convulsing--my body's automatic reaction to these things, and also screaming like an old lady, I have to smash it--NOW!! When you discover creepy bugs you want dead, you always have to give yourself a minute to run around yelling, right? Everyone is like this. But here, you can't! You have to ACT. Also, I think these things are smart too. They always hauling as if they know they've only got 2 seconds out in the open before they ker-splat. Then again, they do many more legs. I'd probably be constantly booking it, no matter how fast i intended to walk, if i had that many. So while I'm galloping around, shrieking, arms and legs flailing from all the millions of heebie jeebies that attack my nervous system, I am trying to get an accurate aim and stamp on the sent-the-pee. Once I do, and he is good and squished, my body folds--knees bent, arms and hands and legs tucked into my body as it performs one giant shudder/cringe that lasts about 10 seconds. blaaghghahgagaghh!

Here's a gross story for you: The other night Sean comes in from the bathroom (we have a bathroom inside the apartment with no shower, and one outside the apartment across the hall, w/the shower. That one's Sean's bathroom) wearing one of my birkenstock wanna-bes and says, "I just killed a BEAST." He then goes on to tell me the tale of how he walked in the bathroom and noticed something in the corner. Sure enough, it's a centipede and it's about 2 inches long. EW! He said he ran in and got my shoe and tried to step on it. He only stunned it because a second later, the thing is up and running again. So then he tries again. SPLAT! Dead. But it's still kind of moving...shuddering. Gross! He grabs some tp and wiped it up but the legs stuck to the floor and he only wiped up the body! Ewwww! So then he wipes up the legs and he looks at the piece of toilet paper and they're still moving on that! Yeah, after he tells me this, I am looking at him, stunned, with an expression that's a combo of "EW, that is so GROSS!" and "WHY would you tell me this horrible story--are you INSANE??" Complete repulsed disbelief. Or disbelieving repulsion.

Now, because of these encounters, I have the creepies ALL the time. I constantly think any little tickle or itch is a bug crawling up my pants, in my shirt, on my finger, between my toes, up my nose. My hair moves--it's a bug. And, I have this radar where i involuntarily scan the room in search for an abnormally dark spot on any surface, floor, wall, whatever. And i detect them. Sean's like, "How did you SEE that?" But now I'm THINKING i'm seeing them when i'm not. What's that spot?? oh, a nail hole in the wall...still. What's that bit of fluff on the ground?? Just fluff. Did that just move?? No, it's just your shoe. And every night when we're going to bed I scan the blanket for movement (I seriously feel like a T-Rex. half the time bugs are detected because they moved) and then when i get in I flick up the covers and scan for black spots on the forutnately light-colored sheets. Then I check my pillows. The other morning, I was dreaming i was laying down on the floor and suddenly there was an itch on my face and I woke myself up vigorously shaking my head from side to side to get something off. I think i felt it in real life and I'm pretty sure it was a bug, a sent-the-pee, and it's in my pillow laying eggs.



Anonymous said...

For some reason reading your yucky bug stories I feel compelled to share....

I've had 2 really disturbing bug experiences that I can remember. One morning I put on my shirt and felt something crawling on my stomach. I shook my shirt, expecting it to be a spider or something and this big centipede (I'm sure it was at least 4 inches) fell on the floor and took off. Ahhhhhhhh. And the shirt had been hanging in my closet. It was AWFUL.

Even worse - another time I took a drink from a cup that had been sitting on the counter for a bit and felt something in my mouth. I spit it out to find this huge spider. It make me almost gag remembering it. I always look before I drink now.

Pleasant dreams.


)en said...

EWWW, MICHELLE! Those stories are HORRIBLE! The spider in the MOUTH?? Oh my word. I literally clasped my mouth when i read that. Blaaahhh!

Thanks for sharing though. :)

Anonymous said...


Go to your neighborhood Brooklyn Home Depot and get a spray-it-yourself container of bug pesticide and spray the perimeter of your apartment. It worked for our home for about 3 months.....granted, there are probably less bugs here. But I'm sure it would work. In fact, reading your stories has made me want to spray our house again and again and again. :)


Michelle P.J.

)en said...

Interesting! I thought about that but i'm like, well i don't want to kill US...

i'll try anything though. thanks for the tip, Bug Master Jones. (<-- i don't know, it just came out. :) )

Anonymous said...

Well, know, besides Brian being so stinkin hot, I was attracted to his Orkin Man experience. I'm sure he'll like the Bug Master Jones title.

By the by, (this statement is one I say often and it always makes me think of Brooke) spray it on your baseboards in every room. Last time we did it we were gone for the evening after we did it...but I think you guys would be fine. We were just worried about Heber until it dried. But read the directions on the killer of choice. But then you will start seeing dead bugs instead of live bugs and then you will start to see NO BUGS AT ALL!!!

Brooke said...

Um, why does a statement about spraying baseboards remind you of me? Did we have a moment that I don't remember?

)en said...

By the by, Brooke. By the by. :)

p.s. where's your book? I'm going to say that as often as i can. It is still as funny as it ever was!!

Anonymous said...

Jen. Wheneve I need a good laugh. This is where I come. You are hilarious.

)en said...

ha ha. I'm glad. I'm glad you find such enjoyment in my pest-ridden, constantly terrified state!!! just kidding. :)

Anonymous said...

You guys are hilarious! By the by Brooke, by the by. I am laughing. If I had enough creativity right now I'd right an ode to Jen and Brooke....but not right now. :)

Anonymous said...

The centipede you had was not one that came from outside...its from the sewer.

Go turn over a big stone outside of your house and find a centipede. They will be narrow, short and have very short legs.

The big hairy mother in your picture is one that comes up through the sewer and up your sink, bathtub, etc. drains.

In other words, pesticide wont work.