Monday, February 28, 2011

A Hate Letter

Dear Airports,

I hate you and the very thought of you.   Whew.  Feels good to say that.

Ok, this isn't a letter post.  But really, in the whole of my life, i believe i have come to create a separate actual entity for airports.  In my mind.  I don't know what its face looks like or if it's even corporal. But there is this thing in my mind, a spot in my  brain reserved for it, and toward it i direct all hatred, repulsion, anonymity, vengeance, viciousness and murderous thoughts I can muster, and i let it collect there and mix and fester and boil.  Oh that I could sew myself an airport voodoo doll.   I reserve all of those feelings toward the people who work there, the airlines (especially), and it goes all the way down to the food sold, the fabric of the seats.  Basically anything that is affiliated with airports, i despise and loathe to the very core.  I realize this may be unfair,  but this just shows the greatness of my wrath, the power of my hatred.

This is an emotional and scattered collaborative post depicting Sean's and my feelings of why airports and airlines can die a slow, agonizing, miserable death. while I watch. eating ice cream. dancing a jig.

I have had 3 flights canceled this winter season--one trip completely canceled, and another seriously marred by the delays, cutting Sean's already short trip in half, so the wounds are new, my feelings fresh and rapid-boiling.
Sean, GO!

Sean:  Well, one is that i hate getting treated like a convict when I'm going to the airport. It begins with the lovely customer service when i'm trying to check in and peaks right at security. Now let me get this straight:  Is it true that we go to great lengths to be exactly one step behind potential terrorists? Is it true that we take our shoes off because one time one guy tried to hide one bomb inside a shoe?  Is it true that our liquids are now limited because one time a couple of guys tried to bring some liquids on a plane and combine them? Is it true that i have to take my belt off because it has metal in it and weapons are made of metal? well..some of the time?   Is it true that i'm not allowed to bring a safety razor onto the plane because it might not be safe?    I think that makes most of my major points.  I am so upset by TSA, i can't even stand it. I'm seriously sweating right now. 

Jen: Alright. I hate flying. I hate airports, i hate airlines. I hate anyone who works there because how could you?  How could you sell your soul to Satan himself?   Airlines, airports, all of them associated-- they're thieves. They're legal thieves and legal torturers. And we pay them money for it, because they're the only logical & feasible way to get from Point A to faraway B.  And then we pay them more. Fees, whatever they want. Yeah, i'll pay it. Screw me over? I'll pay you more!  We end up paying for the air to breathe, the space of ground we walk on, to get punched in the face, to get back in line and get punched again. And then a fee, and another punch because they didn't like the way we took that last punch.  And then something bad happens and somehow we pay more money.  And then they make us take our clothes off, and then they make us wait, and then they tell us our flight is delayed, delayed again, again, and again, and then canceled. And then somehow, we pay more money on the way out of the airport.  And then--and here's my thing, for some reason it gets me the most-- they want to give me FRIGGIN'  PEANUTS?!?     

Here's what I say. You want to force me to come to you because there's no other option? Fine, I'll do it. But let's call it what it is:  A LIVING HELL ON EARTH.  Don't put up any pretenses like you care.  Don't try to be nice to me.  Shackle me up and whip me before you ask me what kind of BEVERAGE I WANT.  I swear i hate the snack cart so danged much, it makes me want to say "sure! i'll have the peanuts and oh! i can have pretzels too? Thanks!"  Rip them both open, simultaneously empty both packets into my mouth, rapidly chew them up with vigor, take a sip of my Sprite to moisten, and SPIT THE ENTIRE MOUTHFUL ALL OVER THE FACE OF THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT and say "How about THAT?!?"      What kind of CRAP service is this? I can bring my own snacks & beverage on board. It's an insult to me and i'd rather you corral us onto the plane, shut the overheads because you do seem to be good at that, and then stay out of my sight for the remainder of the flight.  As I told my sister, every time i fly, i want to push the "Help" button and when the flight attendant comes and asks me, "Can I help you?"   I say, "yes, i had a question: How dare you?"    

Ok, so that was basically our ranting venting rants. vents.  Whew.  It feels good. Now let's make a real list of just the lame and annoying things, and keep in mind my patience level with ANYTHING related to airplanes and airlines and airports is already maxed out. Anything can set me off.  Remember--no offense-- I instantly hate you if you're associated with any of these things. 

1.  Pilots are idiots.  Ok, maybe not, but they sound like them.  Pilots should not be seen or heard.  Just fly the plane.   Here's my thing.  Before you get on the PA, stop, think, then don't.   Because i don't care what you have to say. Unless we're nose-diving to our deaths and want us to be aware of that, then that's fine, but please keep the wordage to a minimum.  One time i had a pilot who tried to land the plane, failed in a bumpy jolting disaster, lifted us back up and after flying for what felt like an hour to have another go, got on the  PA and said he was trying again because "we were coming in too fast, too close" like it wasn't his fault.  Own up, Captain.    What I'd rather he'd done was a) text us, because i really hate when they make announcements, and b) say, "OMG--Redo! I SUCK."

Sean: Pilots. Here's how I feel. Guess what, Captain. I do not need to hear what you think our estimated time of arrival is.  I knew that when I booked the flight, and I am capable of telling time, and deducing that if we leave 23 minutes late, then we're going to arrive 23 minutes late.  I can also make time zone adjustments.

Jen: Captain, if you must get on, think about what you need to say (seriously--NEED, key word) before you say it.   How many times does an announcement go like this:

Captain: "KKKKkkk....... [pause].... folks....[pause] This is your.... [pause]  captain speaking. We are.... [pause]... at an altitude of [no one cares] feet.  ... [pause]...  [breathing noises].... the skies are lookin'..errr..uhh... pretty clear...[pause].... [long exhale]...We've got.... winds.. out of the uhh... north--northeast at uh... [pause]... coming at us at, uhh.... 5 knots, so uh.... [trailing off] Hope you uh... enjoy the flight and uhh... [pause]...glad to be able to fly you today.. and uh... hope you're enjoying your... [pause]....[breathing noises.]  [Jen: My what? My flight? flightflightflightflight?!? AAAH!!]... and.... [pause]... thanks for... flying... with us....[breathing noises].... today.  [CLICK]

Sean: it's like he's trying to justify his existence up there. 

Jen: I know, he doesn't get to say much so it's his time to shine.  Anyway, stop it, Captain. Just stop it.  Just fly the plane.   I also think we should get to rate the Captain's landing and hold up signs as we pass to say "thanks!"  "buh-bye!"    I'd be like, "4.5! better luck next time!"    But I usually completely ignore the crew as I exit the plane. I don't trust myself to not lunge myself at all of their jugulars. 

Well, I know i said we were going to make a list but we've sat here and thought about it and though there's a lot more we could add, we have gotten the cathartic result we sought after.  The basic gist of our feelings are known, and I feel good about that. A list would just be unending and would number to infinity, so we'll just call it good.   If you need to vent, feel free.  We listen to you with welcome ears.  Thanks for listening to us.


Alanna said...

The worst was the time when the pilot's stupid announcements kept waking Bentley (who was eight months old) up. I wanted to scream.

I'm just waiting for the day when they start charging people based on their BMI or something. I think it will happen sooner than most everyone thinks.

Rob said...

I am just the son of a psychologist, but I'm picking up on some issues with airlines.

Flying gets 1000x more aggrivating when traveling with children. All by myself, with carry-on only, I'm no worries. But add 2 kids, a stroller, and bags crammed with every possible contingeny item your children may need on your flight and at your destination and the stress increases exponentially.

Joel said...

This makes me glad I have only taken two trips by plane in my entire life. Needless to say, I'm not anxious for any more.

B-Dub said...

You are my hero.

Also, captain - don't buzz in and WAKE ME UP from the very precarious place of sleep I've finally reached to tell me we are beginning our final decent but we don't land for another half hour AT LEAST. Anger.

Amber Alvarez said...

For the first time I regret coming to Jen's Log. SIGH.

I ran on over here to get my last minute fix before head out on a flight that has an EIGHT HOUR LAYOVER. I had five hours until i had to think about it. I'm shaking my fist at you Jen Morello and I'm shaking it hard.

)en said...

I believe your shaken fist is misdirected. Don't blame ,me for the misfortune that is flying. I hope your flight went well. An 8-hour layover sounds like a nightmare. But considering where you're going [are], I'm much less sympathetic.