Wednesday, April 16, 2008


I have a cold and I've had it since abouuut June of '97. That's what it feels like, anyway. Ok, i think it started Friday, April 4th. I was telling Sean last night, this has been the worst, most voluminous cold of my LIFE. I have been blowing my nose for 12 days straight. I'm not kidding. I have taken so much cold medicine, I have built up a tolerance for it and probably now have to take one box at a time for it to have any effect. I blow my nose ALL...DAY...LONG. Constantly. This is not an exaggeration. I've gone through at least 2-3 boxes of tissues and countless rolls of toilet paper.

And it just...keeps...coming.

Why, mucus membranes? why? Did I fall and hit my head and was the mucus-production center of my brain somehow damaged so now you just keep making more and more? I am astounded at the amount I can produce.

I blow and blow and blow. And i've been sooo congested. For one solid week I had to sleep while breathing out of my mouth which is the WORST. You wake up with crappy dry mouth caked with foulness. I probably swallowed a hundred bugs. I'm sorry if this disgusts you but THIS IS MY REALITY. Finally I grabbed another pillow and i now sleep elevated which usually gives me one good nostril all night--ohh blessed nostril. I will never take breathing out of my nose for granted again.

I'm so tired of blowing my nose. I'm tired of filling my pockets with tissues whenever I got out, and using and re-using them to smithereens so i'm left with crumpled shreds of tissue dust and it looks like i've been using the same one for 200 years. I blow so much that I've gotten dangerously close to having a brain aneurysm, I know it. You know how when you blow your nose a lot you keep popping your ears and you're like, "Aaaah!" stopping abruptly so you don't burst an ear drum. So you wait a minute and then proceed blowing with caution, praying nothing bad happens. Sometimes the blows are very productive. Sometimes I'm so congested that they are futile and a waste of a good tissue. All i know is that i've blown so much, I have now lost the will to blow anymore. I'm exhausted, and I usually end up doing this:

I want you to know that I in no way staged this photo. Well, i had to go get the camera and take the shot but I have been typing this post with that bit of TP stuck up my nose the entire time. This is my life. I will no longer go by Jen, but now instead my name is Jed. And I will say to people, "Hi, I'm Jed. I have hyperactive mucus membranes that will NEVER....STOP." All while having TP stuffed up my nose. People will be creeped out and run away and i won't have any friends and that will be ok because i'd just snot all over them anyway. Boo.


Joel said...

This is the kind of situation that got me hooked on nasal spray.

Rachel said...

I'll still be your friend, but there's no chance of you snotting on me from here.

Lianna said...

JOel is right, nasal spray to the rescue! Although, I have become dependant on it in the past, so be careful to only use it when you absolutely need it like while sleeping.
Just this week, I think for the 1st time in my life, I avoided getting a cold. My baby gave it to me and he has been suffering for over a week, but I immediately used Zicam and took a bunch of Vit C, Echinacea & Goldenseal and my aunt suggested her new tactic which also includes olive leaf and oil of oregeno extract pills. I was amazed that I only had a sore throat for a day and the beginnings of snot nose and then it vanished! Yay! Oh and it might have helped that I ate like 3 oranges a day and some homemade chicken soup.
I know that is a lot of things, but it seemed to work and was soooo worth it.
I'm sorry you are sick, it just makes you appreciate when you can breathe. DOn't worry, it will pass Jed.

Michelle said...

That is the worst! I am so sorry. I really want to try the netti pot. seen here:

)en said...

yeees, yeeessss.... more sympathy. more.

just kiddin'. Thanks guys. :)

Rach, maybe you'll still be my friend BECAUSE there's no chance of me getting you from here. eh? it's ok.. i don't blame you. at least i still have a friend.

I was foolish and really should have taken more counter-measures. I will never make that mistake again. And i will try the nasal spray. I've never done it before. Also, thanks for calling me Jed, Lianna.. made me laugh.

KamilahNYC said...

MISERABLE! So sorry. You should get a NETI POT.