Thursday, December 13, 2007

The Great Debate-- Real vs. Fake

Wait, before you put a block on my blog, we're not going to be talking about bodily implants (this time).  No, instead, the age-old debate of which is better, real Christmas trees or fake ones?

JEN: My argument is for: real.
SEAN: And mine is for fake.

JEN: I absolutely must have a real Christmas tree. If i had a fake one, I might not believe it's Christmas, and I might be confused as to whether I'm in my living room or a department store. According to my conviction on the matter, I would even say it would be a tragedy to have a fake one. In fact, picturing it has upset me too greatly for me to continue right now, so Sean, you begin. This is my opening statement.

SEAN: There are indeed two sides to every truly important debate, and this is no exception. To begin, a question: Why ought a celebration of life, of Birth, of beginning, renewal, and the Biblical tale of death conquered, begin with the systematic massacre of innocent evergreens? Have we assumed the role of Herod instead of the shepherds and wisemen?

JEN: You speak of celebrating life, Sean, but tell me: what's so alive about a synthetic tree? To me, the real trees get to fulfill their Christmas destiny. They are selected, chosen, and have the opportunity to participate in the celebration and festivities. They bring such joy to me, their intoxicating scent equating the whole feeling of Christmas. A fake tree sits there, not dead (for to be dead, a thing must have once been alive) but just false. Its own name implies as such. Fake. An unfeeling replica, standing as a bittery mockery and never attaining the life a real tree has.

SEAN: I am so glad that you mentioned the "signature" pine scent, which I too have enjoyed (in the forest where it belongs). What of the unspoken thousands who are annually oppressed by the stench of rotting holiday pines? Yes the crowds of sufferers from PINESAP ALLERGIES and dreaded Hypersensitive Olfactory Syndrome. What of them? Why must those with HOS be kept from having a Merry Christmas?

JEN: I feel for them, I do. Just as I feel for those who are unable to enjoy the other wonderful things of life. Which is why it is all the more reason (and more important) to have a real tree (if you don't suffer from "HOS") Do it for them. Appreciate what others cannot, and be humbled that you get to.

SEAN: A noble thought. I appreciate that you have brought up the moral imperative of the greater good. may I remind you, as Mr. Gore so often has, that every living tree is important. Needed for the carbon it removes from the atmosphere and oxygen it liberates. Is a sentimental holiday odor really worth the damage you're doing to the planet's ability to postpone the impending melting of our icecaps? And the threat that a beloved winter wonderland will soon only be a memory?

JEN: Are you really using Al Gore as the basis for your argument? No, I refuse to go political and to be truthful, I've not informed myself on current events as well as I should. But if you want to speak environmentally, you know they chop up Christmas trees and do good things with them. Turn it into mulch, make the world pretty, etc. And, I read somewhere that fake trees are actually worse for the environment, made of synthetic materials and other earth-unfriendly substances. Plus, having a fake one is just so boring. They're too "perfect," so utterly personality-less. I know this has nothing to do with the environment. I just wanted to move on. But, why have an earth if you're just going to be boring with it?

SEAN: Hey, if ritualistic killing brings meaning to your life, so be it. As for me, the sterility of polyester, polycarbonate and polyvinyl might be just the thing to salve my soul.

JEN: You'll never be able to truly heal the wound, the void in your heart that only a real Christmas tree can fill, Sean.

And that's where we got too tired to finish. So? Who won? What is your opinion? Let the debate continue!


Joel said...

I always hated the thought of an artificial tree. Then a few years ago my parents got a couple. You know what? Most of the time I didn't even think about the fact that it's artificial. So, Jen, I would say you shouldn't be too down on it if you haven't tried it. Artificial trees also reduce the risk of fire.
I think the best solution, however, is one that will probably become more popular soon. You can buy living, potted Christmas trees that can live inside during the Christmas season and outside the rest of the year, although I don't know how you'd deal with that living in an apartment. Maybe you could find a place that rents them. That sounds like a good idea for a business. I better go see if somebody beat me to it.

Michelle said...

My dad went to too many house fires because of real trees. So yeah, we do fake.

)en said...

because of real trees? or because of morons with real trees. Just kidding. I'm so protective of real trees.

also, i really like the idea of a potted tree. I bet i could find a place to plant it. Who wouldn't want a pine tree in their yard? or park...

Rachel said...

Did you see the MythBusters when they tried to get a real tree to light on fire? It didn't happen. But then they lit it on fire on purpose, and WHAM, it was gone! We cut down a real tree this year. It's very Charlie-Brown-esque. Real trees are fun and smell good and shed pine needles and bring in bugs. Fake you have to store and hide the plastic "trunk".

Natalie R. said...

I definitely think Jen won the debate, but then I'm very biased, too. I've never had an artificial tree, and we would try to get a taller tree each year. My dad finally had to buy a 100 pound cement tree stand to stand our trees in! We had great fun every year. :0)

Michelle said...

My mom was allergic to them, so growing up we always had a fake tree. I'm not a big fan of the shedding and I worry about fire danger too, so Aaron and I go with fake as well. Sorry Jen.

)en said...

tree allergies, sad.

Well, it's ok. To his credit, Sean doesn't feel strongly for fake trees. I just made him argue that side. And, if he really wanted to, he could kick my rear in a debate. He's 100 times more articulate than I, and I'm sure i'd get so annoyed and emotional and my argument would end up being, "real trees are better and you're stupid and ugly!!" and tear up the other person's papers, throw them in their face and storm away.